4 Ways: Re-connect Hurt & Disconnected in Your Church

One of the most important roles of the church is that God designed it to grow its members up: “From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Ephesians 4:16). For this to happen, people must learn to trust each other deeply, and the pastor’s relationships and direction are a large part of this.

However, lots of individuals you will encounter will be carrying some sort of relational baggage. They will have a difficult family of origin experience, a business relationship struggle, or a messy divorce, for example. And, with the pain of those tough times in the background, they will have trust issues, and be hesitant to connect deeply with others.

They may have had to set limits, boundaries or even withdraw from a toxic relationship. However, they often don’t know how to re-engage with the right people back into their lives. This can lead to isolation, depression, disconnections within the church membership, leadership problems and a host of other issues.

When you encounter people who have withdrawn and have not reconnected, there are several critical things you can do to help them re-enter relational life. You can make significant improvements and progress with them. Here are a few:

Teach them that a non-relational life is no option. Often, Christians who have been hurt in a tough relationship will avoid learning to trust again, and will do this in a number of ways. They will throw themselves into their work. They will engage in ministries that involve them giving to others, but no one giving to them. They will spiritualize the issue, and say that God, not people, should be trusted. This is all designed to protect them from further hurt, though they are often not aware of it.

As their spiritual leader, teach them the Bible’s principles on our need for safe human relationships. Passages such as I Peter 4:10, “we are the stewards of his manifold grace”, can help your people understand that the best life, full of the grace of God, is one in which they reach out to God and to others for support, acceptance and comfort. Show them that a life without needing others is not normative Christianity.

Help them to grieve, heal, forgive and let go. When a person has a relational struggle from the past where they have had to set boundaries, there is often long-standing hurt involved. Perhaps they feel judged, or unloved, or were made to feel powerless. Help them pay attention to this, and work through it.

People often have the tendency to “move on” quickly and try to put it all behind them. They will shortcut the healing process, fearing that if they are not instantly victorious, that they are not being good Christians. And the unhealed issues often get in the way of finding new and better connections.

Individuals with hurts need for you to teach them that letting go and healing are a process, not an event. So many of Jesus’ parables on growth are about plants and the fruit they bear: “A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit” (Matthew 7:18). Fruit is never instant, but takes time. Let them walk through a process of letting go, and teach them that God created a season for growth, not an instant makeover.

Help them require that any new significant person be surrounded by healthy relationships. A critical sign of a healthy and safe person is that they surround their lives with healthy and safe people as well. That is, that they have open systems supplying grace and truth to them, as opposed to closed systems in which they are not spending quality time with the right people. “Bad company corrupts good character” (I Corinthians 15:33) and so good company helps develop good character.

Give your people permission to require that those they want to open up to be individuals who intentionally have other healthy people around them, irrespective of how the relationship is going. Often, a family member, spouse or dating relationship will “be connected” to a church or support group, only to keep the other person happy, or to comply with them in some external way, not a heart way. Help your individual to know that anyone they trust must be actively interacting with growing people, such as within a healthy church, small group or spiritual director.

Help them see that risk is the only way to get the relationships we need. Often, a person will become stuck in a comfort zone and insist that they shouldn’t be vulnerable and take risks. They will say, “I need to find people who are absolutely safe so I won’t be hurt.” They do need safe people, but unfortunately there are no absolutely safe people, no perfect ones.

No one has ever had a great family relationship, friendship, business partnership or marriage, who did not take a real risk of being hurt. So, while you want to help them grow and become stronger, also don’t let them stay passive. Help them jump out of the boat and into the water with the right people. Show them that God is the ultimate risk-taker because of His desire for authentic relationships with his people. Every day, He is vulnerable with us and knows we may reject Him, but he continues to pursue us.

Jesus shows us this vulnerability in his passionate statement about His city: “’Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing’” (Matthew 23:37). They should not take impulsive risks to be vulnerable with the wrong folks, but they should take measured risks with people who have shown themselves to be good people.You will be surprised at all you can do to help your people become motivated to open up and connect at deeper levels. And you should see not only more community in your church, but also more ministry and outreach as well.

You can find more principles on this issue in Dr. John Townsend’s new book, Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships (Zondervan Publishing, 2011). His website http://www.drtownsend.com/.Consider starting a Celebrate Recovery ministry in your church.

Dr. John Townsend, a clinical psychologist and leadership consultant, has been helping leaders, organizations and individuals make changes and exceed their goals for more than two decades. He has written or co-written 20 books, including Boundaries, Who’s Pushing Your Buttons?, It’s Not My Fault, and, most recently, Leadership Beyond Reason: How Great Leaders Succeed by Harnessing the Power of Their Values, Feelings and Intuition.

Pastor, America Needs You Now

Pastor, America Needs You Now

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Five things God uses to grow your faith

#1 Practical Teaching

INTRODUCTION
It’s one thing to know a lot about weightlifting and another thing to actually lift weights. It’s one thing to know a lot about nutrition and another thing to eat healthy. Similarly, it’s one thing to know a lot about the Bible and another thing to actually live out what it teaches. That’s why the Christian life isn’t just about knowledge. It’s when our acts of faith intersect with God’s faithfulness that our faith grows. From Jesus’ parable of the wise and foolish builders, we discover that hearing and learning are not enough. The value is in the application, because, in the end, it’s obedience that makes all the difference.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
The premis of these lessons is this - There are five things God uses to grow our faith. How many of the five can you remember?
• Practical Teaching
• Providential Relationships
• Private Disciplines
• Personal Ministry
• Pivotal Circumstances

Answer and think about the following:
1. Did you grow up attending a church that emphasized application? If not, what was emphasized in your church? Doctrine? Sacraments? Attendance?

2. Read Matthew 7:24-28. This parable follows the Sermon on the Mount. Why do you think Jesus concluded his sermon with this parable?

3. What is the relationship between “. . . and puts them into practice” in verse 24 and “. . . had its foundation on the rock” in verse 25?

4. Have you ever applied a specific teaching of Scripture that, looking back, prepared you for an unexpected storm?

5. Can you think of a difficult time you have faced that could have been avoided if you had applied the principles of Scripture?

6. In verse 27, Jesus said that the foolish man’s house fell with a great crash. Chances are you know individuals or couples whose lives or marriages could be described in similar terms. Without giving names or too many specifics, describe a situation you know about where someone experienced a great crash that could have been avoided if he or she had consistently applied the teachings of Jesus.

7. If, for the past five years, you had been applying what you know the Scriptures teach about finances, how would things be different in your finances today? Apply this same question to marriage or relationships in general.

MOVING FORWARD

“Unapplied truth is like paint. It doesn’t do anybody any good until it is applied.” We can be the most learned of believers, but if our knowledge doesn’t move us toward application, then our faith will wither. The Bible challenges us to respond to God’s truth in many different ways: love your enemies, show forgiveness, and practice generosity. What have been the most difficult truths from the Bible for you to apply?

This week, identify two areas of your life where a bit more application would make a noticeable difference. And then apply.

CHANGING YOUR MIND

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Matthew 7:24-27

The need for spiritual Fathers and Mothers

watch this sermon by Judah Smith



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Great message

Awesome message from a conference some of our pastoral team just attended.



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Building Update - Nov 3

Here's the latest...
Our permit packet is moving through the city and we should receive our first review letter some time next week. This review will indicate any area's, if any, that we need to change, alter, address or answer. The review will cover area's like planning codes, fire safety, occupancy, restrooms, parking etc. This review will give us a good indication of where we are in the process

In addition to our Permit packet we also have been scheduled for our one mandatory community meeting. The Scripps Ranch/ Miramar community board meets on the first Thursday of each month. So, we have been added to the agenda for the Thursday December 1 meeting. Attached is a picture of the letter that was mailed out to all the surrounding businesses.

After we complete the review process and have our one mandatory community meeting all the information will be sent to the city council and presented and discussed at a public meeting. Then our permit will either be approved or denied.

Keep praying church. Every step gets us one step closer to our goal of having a place to call home.

God bless

FamJam and Operation Christmas Child

FamJam is happening this Saturday Night (6:00 - 7:30) Everyone is invited!

Here's a quick preview of what we will all experience... Kidz Life is sponsoring an Operation Christmas Child Family Event. We will be traveling to different destinations to see whats happening around the world. It's a great way, as a family, to gain an understanding of what happens to our shoe boxes after they leave our church. Parents and children will have opportunities see how lives are being effected by what they do. It will be an evening of interactive stations, fun games and learning.

Please join us on Nov. 5th at 6PM-7:30PM
For information on our Family Event- email: karrieskiles@yahoo.com 858-335-2948

For information on Operation Christmas Child: http://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/OCC/index/

Building update October 6

We'll after 3 weeks and a few unforeseen hurdles we turned in our packet to the city of San diego to obtain a Conditional Use Permit for 9899 Hibert St Suite C,D.

From here, now we wait...

First we wait for each of the city departments to sign off on our permit. Second we wait to schedule a meeting with the businesses and community members around the building where we plan to hold services. Third we wait for the city council to grant us the final approval on our permit.

How long will we have to wait? A perfect scenario would be this; we are able to schedule the meeting with the businesses and community members either the last part of October or the first part of November. And then have our permit sent to the city council sometime in mid December. This would allow us to have the permit and begin construction in late December or early January. Of course this is a best case scenario. But with Gods help I believe it can happen.

Continue to pray church that God will quickly help us to obtain the permission to begin holding services in our own location.

I attached the picture of the receipt that occumpanied our CUP packet. look at how much money this permit cost. And to think we pay all that and still have no gaureentee it will pass.

If God lays it upon your heart we will be attempting to raise money for some of the building upgrades (sound system, Video system, stages, Children's and youth area improvements) if we are unable to raise additional funds, that's ok, we have enough equipment and money to transform the space and begin having services after we obtain the CUP. But, it would be nice to upgrade some of the stuff. Thanks church for always being faithful with your time, talent and money. the quality of a church is never determined by the beauty or awesomeness of the buildings or programs it's always seen in the faithfulness and unity of the people. May God always continue to bless us in that area first.

God bless

Revival

Over the last 4 weeks we've been going through a sermon series entitled "REVIVAL, What Door Is God Behind". And in each week of this series there was a main point I wanted you to remember. Let me recap them for you

Week #1 – Revival comes when we stop listening for the knock at the door and start listening for the voice of God and open that door.
Revelations 3:20 (NLT)
20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Week #2 – Revival comes when we stop focusing on our little strength and start focusing on the open door God has set before us.
Revelations 3:7 (NKJV)
…See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

Week #3 – Revival comes when we stop focusing on what we don’t have and get passionate about what we do have
Acts 3:6 (NLT)
6 But Peter said, “I don’t have any silver or gold for you. But I’ll give you what I have. In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, get up and walk!”

Week #4 - Revival comes when we get God back in the center of our lives, our church and our families.
2 Samuel 6:12-15 (NLT)
12 Then King David was told, “The LORD has blessed Obed-edom’s household and everything he has because of the Ark of God.” So David went there and brought the Ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the City of David with a great celebration.

As you read those 4 main points again, which one do you feel God is challenging you with in his pursuit to bring revival back into your life or our church?

You can hear these sermons again here http://flcf.org/273868.ihtml

Building Update 2

alright, we moved everything out of the Stowe Dr offices and over to the new building. This means all of our functions and meetings will now be held at 9899 Hibert St, San Diego Ca 92131. Many thanks to Boyer Moving and Storage for sending over 3 trucks and lots of workers. They did in a few hours what would have taken us days. Now the tedious work of navigating our way through the city of San Diego planning department to obtain a Conditional Use Permit. Then we will finally be able to to hold services at our new permanent location.

Here's what we've discovered so far.

1. Our Architect, Peter Trevino, met with one of the city of San Diego planning engineers to learn more about the codes governing the installation of fire sprinklers. Here's what we learned, to prevent us from having to spend tens of thousands of dollars we will need to keep the large room we will use for our sanctuary under 2100 sq feet. attached is a layout of the building we will use for our sanctuary, offices, cafe. You'll notice the large room comes in right under that number at 2094 sq feet.

2. Our permit consultant, Brian Longmore, who is assisting us through the CUP process has assured us that if all goes smoothly we should be able to get the Conditional Use Permit by the end of 2011. That seems like a long time, but as we all know, it will be here quickly.





In closing, I encourage all of you to join me in "The Call" to prayer. start making it a part of your daily routine to find someone to agree together with in prayer. "The Call" is basically this: It's each of us living out Matthew 18:19-20 19 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. 20 For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” When you feel the call to prayer, ask someone to join you. And let's begin to claim and call down Gods blessings and promises on our church.

God bless church